The CDC has issued the following release:
Please be advised that the Center for Disease Control has discovered a previously undetected outbreak of Virus 87633482. This virus may sit dormant for many years and shows its symptoms gradually. It will cause a "zombie"-like state where a person mindlessly consumes crappy popular culture and may lead to graying of the skin, incessant drooling, and irresistible cravings for human flesh. Other possible symptoms include:
- Catching "Bieber Fever"
- Becoming obsessed with sparkly vampires
- Tattooing the names Edward or Jacob on your behind
- Watching any of the television shows listed below*:
- Keeping Up With The Kardashians
- The Bachelor/Bachelorette
- American Idol
- Here Comes Honey Boo Boo
- Dancing With The Stars
- Big Brother
- Toddlers and Tiaras
- 16 and Pregnant
- Teen Moms
- Jersey Shore
- The Real Housewives (any season)
- Kourtney and Kim Take New York
- Any Soap Opera
- Gossip Girl
- Dr. Oz
- Oprah re-runs
- True Blood
- Dr. Phil
- Jerry Springer
- Any revamped 90s teen drama
- Pick up the remote or find a video streaming website on your computer.
- Navigate to the content list.
- Find any of the following approved movies/books and consume liberally*.
- The Lord of the Rings (all three movies must be watched)
- Star Wars (Original trilogy ONLY)
- The Gates
- Big Bang Theory
- Once Upon A Time
- Ice Road Truckers
- The Walking Dead
- The Black Donnellys
- How I Met Your Mother
- Deadliest Catch
*Lists are not comprehensive. Please call the CDC for a complete list.
This has been a public service announcement. This emergency alert will be repeated every hour upon the hour.