Tuesday, October 23, 2012

My Weight Does Not Define Me


Is 'fat' really the worst thing a human being can be? Is 'fat' worse than 'vindictive', 'jealous', 'shallow', 'vain', 'boring' or 'cruel'?
-JK Rowling

There is a post on Facebook with that going around. I think it's a fantastic quote and shared it. As is wont to happen when someone brings up weight, one of my naturally skinny friends responded, saying fat is like the flu and we should seek to be rid of it, "in [our] own interest." I'm not quite sure why, but that response really pissed me off. It may be because someone who has never struggled with weight just can't understand what it's like, the same way someone who has never been poor can understand what it means to be without money.

In 2008-09, I had the ambition to join the Marines. I tried my damnedest to make it work. I busted my ass to get from 215 lbs down to the required 148. I lost 50 lbs and hit a wall. I was working out nearly every day, I could run 5 km in the required time, I could do all the necessary sit-ups, and I was feeling really good. But the extra weight would not come off. Still, I really wanted to be a Marine, so I went in to talk to them.

For two months, I showed up at the recruiter's before work and worked out. I improved my running time, built my upper body strength, and worked myself to exhaustion several times a week. I followed all their instructions and dropped my calorie intake down to 900 calories a day. If you've never done that, try it for a week. It really sucks. I also started taking Niacin, as they suggested. The combination of everything made me dizzy and weak all the time and I constantly felt like I was going to pass out. Still, the weight wouldn't leave. After some other things started going wrong, I realized I just wasn't meant to be a Marine. I still respect the hell out of them, but I wasn't destined to be one of them.

It wasn't all a waste, though. I learned several things from that time in my life.
1) I'll never be skinny. Even in high school, I wasn't. It's just not in my genes. Almost every woman in my family carries around extra weight. I have an apple shape, though it might be more apple pie, but that's for another post. I'm big up top and around the middle, and I always will be. There's no getting away from it. No matter how many magazines/tv shows/celebrities tell me I need to lose weight or how I need to do it, I'll never be one of those models they like to show. It just won't happen.

2) I need to listen to my body. When my body is telling me that something isn't right, I need to listen. I was abusing my body, trying to make it be something that it just cannot be. I'm happy I lost that initial weight. I've since gained some of it back, but I'm now a size 14/16 instead of an 18/20, and that's fantastic. Still, I wonder if it was worth the insane lengths I went to. Now, I ignore the scale and focus on how I'm feeling. If I've been drinking too much soda lately, my body lets me know. If I've been eating too unhealthy, my body tells me. Sometimes my jeans are helpful in that area, too. But I've stopped focusing on the numbers and pay more attention to the feelings.

3) Size doesn't matter. When I go shopping, I need to choose clothes that fit, regardless of what size they are. Even though I really want to fit into that medium junior top, I'm not going to. Picking properly fitting clothes not only makes me look better, it makes me feel better. And who doesn't want to feel better about themselves? Different brands use different sizing scales, so while I may be a medium in one brand, I'll be an extra large in another. And that's okay, as long as the item fits properly. And I also learned recently that I'll never, ever fit into the Kardashian line because the Kardashians hate fat people.

4) I need to love myself as I am. Who I am now is more important than who I want to be. We can never know what tomorrow will hold, so if we wait until then to have respect for ourselves, we never will. We may not be perfect, but we are who we are and we need to love ourselves completely. If we don't, who will? I exercise in the form of milking cows 6 days a week. That's enough for me. I eat fairly healthy and moderate unhealthy foods, but I don't deny myself anything. I'm tired of living for tomorrow. It's time to live for today.

I know a lot of people will read this and think "Yeah, but if you're overweight, you need to try to lose it." To that, I ask "why?" I'm not unhealthy, my weight doesn't inhibit me from enjoying my life, so why do I need to lose it?

My weight does not define me. I'm smart, I'm talented, and even with the extra weight, I'm still fairly pretty. And if someone wants to judge me based on a little extra pudge, well, they know where the virtual door is.
Top Level Parking Exit
Do Not Pass Go
Courtesy of Lynn Kelly
For those who appreciate me the way I am, I thank you for being wonderful and amazing. For those struggling with weight issues, you are beautiful the way you are*. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise and don't let them beat you down. There are worse things than being overweight, despite what some may think. Who you are inside is what really matters.

*I am not advocating obesity here. If weight is affecting your health, consult a doctor.

10 comments:

  1. I <3 this post! The obsession our culture has with looking perfect is so annoying. And yes, while obesity is unhealthy, there are plenty who use that as an excuse to judge, without seeing the person. I can't imagine how a 900-calorie/day diet could be healthy! But wow, I admire your dedication. In addition to learning to listen to your body, you've learned how much you can accomplish. So congrats on that, as well as learning to appreciate yourself as you are. :)

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  2. Thank you, Jennette! It's been a topic that really has been driving me nuts lately. Every magazine, practically every daytime talk show, any doctor show... they all tell people that they need to lose weight and they all offer quick fixes that don't really work. It's very frustrating to see all the time.

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  3. A great post--awesome message. These are such personal issues that should not be judged. Judgment creates a lot of noise and makes it difficult for people to listen to their own bodies. And it certainly doesn't help with self-esteem. Thanks for sharing Samantha.

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    1. Exactly! Unless you really know someone, you have no idea what their lives are like, what they've gone through. Just someone simply because of the way they look is so much worse than judging a book by its cover.

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  4. While I can't understand the desire to be a marine, or anything that would require a uniform, I love the lessons you learned from the experience. I came to the same conclusions from a different path. Size isn't important, it's our health and how we feel about ourselves. I also think that too thin is unattractive. I was watching Hawaii Five-O the other day and couldn't help but be distracted by how grossly-thin the women looked. They literally looked hungry. It made me sad for them and sad for everyone watching who may start to think of that as normal. I'd much rather have curves than be thin and boney. Really, I think the most important part is to accept our bodies as they are rather than to starve them into an unnatural and unhealthy state. We are on the same page with that.

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    1. I actually wrote a post about something similar to the Hawaii Five-O thing before. I was watching Being Human, a British show that the US remade. The British women were gorgeous and normal. Most of them had "rounded edges", for lack of a better term. The Americans were all thin and pointy. The contrast was obvious enough to slap you in the face.

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  5. Great post, Samantha! I hope we're seeing a trend in our society back toward the middle ground on this whole issue, insead of everybody striving to be pencil thin.

    I was searching "beautiful woman" on Wikimedia yesterday for a picture for a blog post. First on the list was a recent Miss Universe. Made me shudder. She was way too thin and I thought she looked sick.

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    1. I'm with you on that. I don't find a lot of the current "hot" celebrities attractive. They're way too thin. If their diet consists of coffee and cigarettes and little else, then there is a huge issue that needs to be addressed.

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  6. This is an excellent post. I'm someone who has struggled with her weight her whole life, and it's true that people who are naturally slender don't understand what a struggle it is. I've weighed 165 pounds (which at my height made me unable to walk up stairs without getting out of breath) and I've weighed 105 pounds (when I was anorexic). While I am carrying extra weight now, it angers me when people are on my case about how I "need to lose weight." I'm eating healthy, I'm working out, I'm doing my best to get back to my ideal weight in the middle. And I'm much healthier now than when I weighed 105.

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    1. Thanks, Marcy! It's sad that there seems to be less issue when people are severely underweight than when they're overweight. It's just as unhealthy and dangerous.

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