The Apocalypse Is NOW

ATTENTION: 

EMERGENCY ALERT

The CDC has issued the following release:

Please be advised that the Center for Disease Control has discovered a previously undetected outbreak of Virus 87633482. This virus may sit dormant for many years and shows its symptoms gradually. It will cause a "zombie"-like state where a person mindlessly consumes crappy popular culture and may lead to graying of the skin, incessant drooling, and irresistible cravings for human flesh. Other possible symptoms include:

• Catching "Bieber Fever"
• Becoming obsessed with sparkly vampires
• Tattooing the names Edward or Jacob on your behind
• Watching any of the television shows listed below*:
  • Keeping Up With The Kardashians
  • The Bachelor/Bachelorette
  • American Idol
  • Here Comes Honey Boo Boo
  • Dancing With The Stars
  • Big Brother
  • Toddlers and Tiaras
  • 16 and Pregnant
  • Teen Moms
  • Jersey Shore
  • The Real Housewives (any season)
  • Kourtney and Kim Take New York
  •  Any Soap Opera
  • Gossip Girl
  • Dr. Oz
  • Oprah re-runs
  • True Blood
  • Dr. Phil
  • Jerry Springer
  •  Any revamped 90s teen drama

If you find yourself experiencing any of the above symptoms, you are likely infected. DO NOT PANIC. Follow the procedure below IMMEDIATELY:

• Pick up the remote or find a video streaming website on your computer.
• Navigate to the content list.
• Find any of the following approved movies/books and consume liberally*.
• Firefly
• Serenity
• The Lord of the Rings (all three movies must be watched)
• Star Wars (Original trilogy ONLY)
•  Outcasts
• Mythbusters
• The Gates
• Big Bang Theory
• Once Upon A Time
• Ice Road Truckers
• The Walking Dead
• Avengers
• Dexter
• V
• The Black Donnellys
• How I Met Your Mother
• Supernatural
• Deadliest Catch

If you encounter someone who has been infected, approach them cautiously. They are contagious and the virus spreads easily. Carefully remove the offending material from their vicinity and replace it with approved material.

*Lists are not comprehensive. Please call the CDC for a complete list.

This has been a public service announcement. This emergency alert will be repeated every hour upon the hour.