The Apocalypse Is NOW

ATTENTION: 

EMERGENCY ALERT

The CDC has issued the following release:

Please be advised that the Center for Disease Control has discovered a previously undetected outbreak of Virus 87633482. This virus may sit dormant for many years and shows its symptoms gradually. It will cause a "zombie"-like state where a person mindlessly consumes crappy popular culture and may lead to graying of the skin, incessant drooling, and irresistible cravings for human flesh. Other possible symptoms include:

Twilight Through The Ages

My cousin linked me this post and it was just too funny not to share. It is "If Famous Writers Had Written Twilight." I'll let you go read the actual post yourself, but someone in the comments posted a Twilight by Dr. Seuss poem, and it was so awesome, I can't make you wait.


Twilight, by Dr. Seuss

Jake likes a girl. Her name is Bella.
Bella likes a different fella.

See this vamp? This is Ed.
Ed is pale. Ed is dead.

Ed saved Bella from a van.
Ed must be a special man.

Ed won't kill boys. He won't kill girls.
Ed gets fed on deer and squirrels.

This is James. He's a tracker.
He's a sort of vamp attacker.

James hunts Bella for a thrill.
Will Ed kill him? Yes, he will.

But James gave her a little bite.
Will she be a vamp? She might!

Edward fixes Bella's cut.
She won't be a vampire.
But...

She becomes one. Read some more.
She's a vampire in book 4.

Awesome, no? Do you know of any other Twilight parodies? Maybe some other books? Share your funnies with us all!

Guest Post: Waiting for Hitchcock’s Cameo

This week's guest post comes to us from the blog of M.G. Miller. It was first posted on his blog on 9/19/11 and had me laughing (when I really should've felt bad for him). Enjoy!

Don’t walk under ladders.


Don’t cross the path of a black cat.


Don’t break mirrors.

Just don’t.

I never was superstitious. Up until earlier this year, that is. And it all started with a peck at the window.

Near the end of January, I started to get sick. I mean, really sick. Sicker-than-I’ve-ever-been-in-my-life sick. It began with a low-grade fever that never went away, and at certain times of the day it turned into an all-out rager. I could count on it at six a.m., at twelve p.m., and again at six p.m. Then my ears started ringing. Loud. Almost too loudly to hear the sound. Who knows how long it had been going on until one day when the ringing and the fever were mercifully waning, I became fully aware of it:

Peck-peck-peck.

But I was still too out of it, too weak to investigate, too sick to care.

Peck-peck-peck.

All I could I seem to do was lean over the side of the couch, hover over a trashcan and spit the most awful, vile, acidic– You get the idea. Weirdest thing was, whatever I was expectorating ate through the plastic lining of the trashcan. I tried to make light of it, told my friends I’d probably been abducted in the night and an alien was now gestating inside me. I’d gone to two doctors, though, and they couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. Both gave me antibiotics, and while I would get better for a while, soon after the antibiotics wore off, I’d begin declining again.

As I was stumbling to the bathroom one day, I passed my bedroom and caught movement outside the window.

Peck-peck-peck.

And I saw a bird, a robin, flying at my window, trying to get in. That’s when I became superstitious.

Ever heard that a bird getting into the house was supposed to be a portent of death? I hadn’t until several years ago, when one happened to fly into my living room. I had company at the time, and he had a little freak-out. He said his grandmother had told him an old wives tale about a bird flying into the house meaning death. I just laughed, though, and did my best to get the bird to leave, which it eventually did, along with my company.

When I saw the robin outside my bedroom, continually crashing against the window, I recalled that story, and I wondered, since I was so sick and the bird was so intent on trying to get in, was it really a portent of death? Did it really signify that the Grim Reaper was knocking at my window in the form of a deranged robin? (Go ahead, laugh, I think about stuff like that, makes the world a more interesting place.)

The worse I felt, the more intent the bird seemed to become trying to get in. It went on non-stop all day. I told several friends about it, several co-workers, even freaked them out when I took them back to my bedroom at any given time of the day, and I’d just tell them to wait.

Peck-peck-peck.

“Whoa!” I heard on more than one ocassion. It was so constant, so unrelenting, that I was able to take several pictures.

I was sick by varying degrees for the better part of four months, and all the while, that damn bird, like a messenger of the gods, crashed and pecked and flew straight into my window.

But one morning, I woke to silence. Merciful silence. The ringing in my ears had finally let up, my fever had finally abated, and the robin was gone.

No, I never was superstitious, never avoided walking under ladders, crossing the path of a black cat or worried if I happened to break a mirror. But after my encounter with the Mad Robin from Hell, I’m a little more conscientious about these things now.

So what superstitions do you have? Are any of them due to some crazy real life circumstance? Or do you laugh at black cats and break mirrors while you walk under ladders on your way to work?

All About M.G. Miller

M.G. Miller is a Southern Gothic novelist and former editor for Surreal, a national magazine of speculative fiction. He has won Best Novel awards from Arkansas and Oklahoma states, a Deep South Prize from the University of Louisiana at Lafayette, and an Arkansas Governor’s Award for Literature. His award-winning literary novel, Bayou Jesus, concerning racism and religion in the Deep South, will be reissued December 25th by Southern Exposures Press exclusively on Amazon Kindle and has recently begun production for the audio version. Bayou Jesus is the first of three Miller titles to be released in 2012. In July, his historical horror novel, Her Grave Embrace, will be reissued as well, followed next December by Murderous, a novelization based on a true crime.

Join Mike at his blog  or connect with him on Facebook  or Twitter .

He Robbed from the Rich and He Gave to the Poor

Since I first saw him in Independence Day, Adam Baldwin has been one of my favorite actors. But he'll never be able to top his performance as Jayne in Firefly. In this wonderful video, Jayne serenades, well, himself. Do you have fun videos of your favorite actors "behind the scenes"?

All this  month, you can be entered to win a free copy of The Faithful Heart by Merry Farmer. Check here for more details! This is a giveaway you do not want to miss! And Warm Hands Warm Hearts still needs your help.

Guest Post: From Aunty Ivy to Khubilai Khan

Some great news before we begin. Winds from the North has been released and is now available on Kindle! (Nookbook coming soon) 
 

This week's guest post is lifted from the entertaining blog of Colin Falconer (with his permission, of course). It was first posted on 10/24/11. Thanks, Colin, for making me think back to my childhood and what brought me to where I am today.

My primary school teacher's name was Mrs Boyne. She once told my mother at a parent interview: “Your son is a complete dreamer. He’ll never amount to anything in this life.” I still think that was a pretty harsh judgment on a seven year old. But she was right, of course, I was a dreamer. It was my greatest asset.

It was about the time I first read Jules Verne’s Michael Strogoff. To get my hands on it, I had to endure a slobbery wet kiss from my Aunty Ivy, but I considered it well worth it. By the end of that first afternoon, I was hooked on classic literature.

Every week my Aunty Ivy took the train down from London to visit with us in (what was then) rural Essex, bringing with her a collection of Classics Illustrated comics. She must have picked them up in the markets in London. There were some Beanos and Victors mixed in, but I threw them out. My treasure was the cartoon versions of some of the world’s greatest literature. I read all of Jules Verne in an afternoon.

And so began my love affair with literature. By the time I was eight I had read Moby Dick, Doctor Jekyl and Mister Hyde, The Moonstone, The Black Tulip and Ivanhoe, was familiar with most of the major works of Alexandre Dumas (Père), Mark Twain and William Wilkie Collins and had even read most of Homer’s Odyssey (although I never found out how it ended because the last page had been ripped out.)

You can see the still see the whole comic at http://jv.gilead.org.il/CI/28/!

I don’t think that back then Aunty Ivy knew she was giving me primers for my future career, for no one in my family had ever used their hands for doing anything other than making pies or fixing corner cupboards So wherever she is in Heaven, I hope there’s an angel making her a nice cup of tea and letting her rest her sore feet, God bless her heart.

Those comic books were important to me. I was an only child and though not particularly bookish – I was then, and still am, a sports tragic – it nurtured in me a thirst for great stories painted on broad canvas.

This appetite shows up in the movies I love; The Last Samurai, the Godfather trilogy, the Last Emperor, Empire of the Sun. All epics. My favourite author is James Clavell. I love big stories and big characters.

So Aunty Ivy did not just give me the gift of something to read when it was raining too hard to play football. Classics Illustrated stirred my nascent imagination and at the same time gave me an undying thirst for travel and for adventure. These little gems of comics also made me want to time travel, because many of the places I was reading about no longer existed.

The only way I could revisit them was to recreate them in my head. Imagining them onto a page was the next logical step.

When I left school the first thing I did, to the consternation of both my parents, was to go hitch-hiking around Europe. After all, why go to university? I’d read The Iliad and everything Shakespeare ever wrote by the time I was eight. What was there left to learn?

After Europe I headed down to Morocco, where me and my mate were the only white faces (then) wandering the Djema El-fna’a, the Place of the Dead, in Marrakech. Not too long after that I found myself in the middle of a typhoon in the South Java Sea, and wandering the Golden Triangle of Burma, shaking hands with CIA agents and drug smugglers.

All thanks to Aunty Ivy and Classics Illustrated.

http://corvus.shamwana.com/book/Silk%20Road

I guess what Mrs Boyne didn’t account for when summing up my future prospects was what would happen to my daydreams once introduced to the genius who sandwiched Les Miserables into 48 lurid pages with speak bubbles. The invention of the laptop, of course, helped a little as well.

I've never made the NY Times bestseller lists but this month my seventeenth novel SILK ROAD, was published in London. I'd send Mrs Boyne a copy, but we have lost touch.

Would you like to share what your teachers said about you? (Not just the bad ones - you can include the really good teachers as well.) What would you like to say to them if you could meet up with them now?

All this  month, you can be entered to win a free copy of The Faithful Heart by Merry Farmer. Check here for more details! This is a giveaway you do not want to miss! And Warm Hands Warm Hearts still need your help.

All About Colin

Colin is the author of over twenty historical novels, including SILK ROAD which was published in London in October. His work has been published in the UK and US and translated into seventeen languages. (None as yet in his native Cockney.) He has two amazing daughters, one studying English literature, the other manages a pub chain in London. So no influence there, then! See his web page colinfalconer.net.

Join Colin at his blog  or connect with him on Twitter .

The Original Kung-Fu Panda

 

The mom's reaction is absolutely priceless. I laughed so hard it brought tears to my eyes. Do you have any favorite panda videos or pictures?

All this  month, you can be entered to win a free copy of The Faithful Heart by Merry Farmer. Check here for more details! This is a giveaway you do not want to miss!

Saturday Scramble

Morning, folks! Tis Saturday, which means huevos rancheros and the Saturday Scramble! I really enjoyed this week's round of posts. Some were pretty funny. Enjoy!

Ralphie's Gifting Secret
Star Wars Video Mash-up
The Peasant Diet I think they ate better than we do oftentimes.
Biking in Panties A hilarious story that had me cringing for the author
Warm Hands Warm Hearts is still in need of donations.

Make sure you pick up your copy of The Loyal Heart by November 30th and email me a copy of the receipt. You'll be entered to win the sequel, The Faithful Heart, a great Christmas gift for you or a friend! This is one book you do not want to miss! It might very well be my favorite book this year, and I'm not even done yet!

Guest Post: Recipe for a Hero—and Other Character Lessons from Stargate

When Samantha and I were tossing around the idea of a guest post for her blog, I mentioned that I’m a Stargate addict. Samantha then sheepishly confessed that she hadn’t seen it before. Once I picked myself up off the floor and scrambled back into my chair, I decided that I would use my guest post to convince her to “get in the gate.” **Note from Samantha: Janelle's enthusiasm convinced me to sign up for Netflix again just so I could watch SG1. Netflix should thank her.

I’ve been a Stargate fan for longer than I’ve been seriously pursuing a career as a fiction writer. Stargate SG1 was my “gateway drug” into science fiction. And I’m proud to say that I can find a Stargate reference in any moment in life. (In need of stress relief? Have you tried Kel’no’reem?) Besides arming me with a lifetime supply of jokes that only my fellow nerdmigos appreciate, my love of Stargate has taught me a few lessons that I apply to my writing.

Lesson No. 1: There’s a No-Fail Recipe for a Hero.

Take a tragic past, an innate sense of justice, and unwavering sense of duty; add a full stick of courage; let rise overnight. The result: One able-bodied hero not afraid to make incredible sacrifices for what he (or she!) believes is the right thing. Take, for example, a couple guys at the SGC:

Col. Jack O’Neill, U.S. Air Force. Played by Richard Dean Anderson (of McGyver fame), Jack O’Neill would make the perfect romance-novel hero. Coming from a traumatic past (his son died in a tragic accident and his marriage ended in divorce), O’Neill dedicates his every waking moment to fighting the Goa’uld. He’s also famous for those wry comments that only Anderson could deliver so perfectly:

O'Neill: “Just give me some kind of warning.”
Teal'c: “I'm going to shoot you.”
O'Neill: “I was thinking more along the lines of, ‘On 3.’”

Dr. Daniel Jackson (Michael Shanks). Daniel Jackson is the perfect foil to O’Neill, playing the moral compass on the team. He says, “Let’s talk it over,” every time O’Neill says, “We’re done talking” (usually followed by, “Set the timer on the C4.”). Shanks delivers the perfect blend of buff and bookworm. As the series progresses, his character evolves from ridiculed archeologist with allergies to a gun-wielding, kick-ass space explorer fit to battle any system lord. His knack for coming back from the dead certainly helps matters. ;)

Teal’c (Christopher Judge). The ultimate stoic, the shol-va (traitor), a Jaffa and former first prime to Apophis, Teal’c is the guy you want to have your back. He is a warrior first and foremost, but one cannot help but ponder what lies beneath that tough-as-nails exterior. I swear, one day I will wear a t-shirt with a pic of Christopher Judge that reads, “Team Teal’c.”

Edward Cullen might glitter, but he has nothing on the men at the SGC.

Lesson No. 2: Character dynamics create tension, conflict, and humor.

Characters with opposing motives, goals, and worldviews don’t just create snappy dialogue and conflict, fueling the fire of our plots; they also provide great comic fodder (often coming in handy for necessary comic relief scenes—it can’t be all doom-and-gloom).

In the SG1 spinoff Stargate Atlantis, the creators took the franchise on a different path. The members of the Atlantis team have far more tense relationships with each other. They don’t always do the right thing. In fact, they frequently do the wrong thing believing it is the right thing. Maj. John Sheppard (played by Joe Flanigan) is no exception. He and scientist/genius/egomaniac Rodney Mackay provide great character dynamics, resulting in anything from near-tragedy (as when Mackay blows up a solar system, nearly taking himself with it) to hilarity.

If you want a great laugh, I suggest the episode “Harmony.” Watching Sheppard and Mackay traipse through the wilderness with a spoiled pre-teen princess is an absolute riot. Mackay might lack Jackson’s sense of ethics, but he’s still a personal favorite. His one-liners also rock: “Don’t be so analog.” “Good thing I remember DOS.” And, on one occasion: “I’m not crazy; I just have another consciousness in my brain.” A big part of why those one-liners work so well is because of how Mackay relates—or rather, doesn’t relate—to his fellow team members.

Lesson No. 3: Writers always hurt the ones they love.

As much as we love our characters, if we want our readers to love them as well, we must make them suffer. The hero can’t be the hero if he’s just gliding through life, easily winning every battle, overcoming every obstacle, and not having to sacrifice. It’s not enough to fight hard, something must be relinquished, something with which the character would not part willingly. In the pilot of SG1 (**Newbies: Spoiler Alert**) Daniel Jackson’s wife is taken as a host by the Goa’uld. He joins the battle against the system lords in part to save her.

If our characters get everything they want, the story is missing that final piece. As I revise my WIPs, one point on my checklist is to make sure the characters don’t achieve their goals too easily. We can’t just chase our characters up a tree and throw pebbles. We have to hurl a couple boulders up there—maybe even set the tree on fire.

Are you a Stargate fan? Who’s your favorite character, and why? What have your favorite shows taught you about writing?

All About Janelle

A writer of paranormal and fantasy romance, Janelle Madigan pens stories that often feature the fae, magic, witches, and world mythologies–but there’s no telling what rabbit holes she’ll follow her characters down. Her fiction runs the gamut from short stories to novellas to full-length novels, with settings from urban to earthy to subterranean.

She watches way too much Stargate, Charmed, and Buffy; has an off-the-wall sense of humor; and practices her own blend of magic and spirituality, hedge-witch style. She’s afraid of praying mantises, skydiving, and roller coasters but will eagerly run toward anything that goes bump in the night. A Pennsylvania native, she currently lives in Virginia with her husband and their household full of animals.

Join Janelle at her blog , or connect with her on Facebook , LiveJournal , or Twitter .

Guilty Pleasures - Cheesy Movies

The more cheese, the better.

I admit it. Cheesy movies get me every time. I went to see Clash of the Titans (the new one, not the old claymation version), and I was disappointed that it was actually a good movie. I guess I was expecting something less... polished, and I wanted cheese, dammit! Sometimes I just don't want a well-done movie. I want one that's so bad, it falls off the scale and ends up in awesomesauce. (Yeah, I just said awesomesauce. Whatcha gonna do about it?)

I love Starship Troopers for that very reason; it's deliciously cheesetastic. I haven't read the book and I'm afraid that if I do, it'll ruin the movie for me.

And my favorite cheesealicious movie of all time? Tank Girl. If you haven't seen Tank Girl, you're missing some epic dairy goodness. Lori Petty is fantastic and it's still my favorite film from Naomi Watts. Not to mention the crazy ninja kangaroo dog things and that awesome Cole Porter number. Go watch it, or I'll send the Rippers to get you! Puh-puh-puh-POW!!

What are some of your favorite cheeseamongous movies? Don't think you can hide behind your box-office superstars. I see that DVD peeking out of your dresser drawer. No, not that DVD! This is a PG-rated blog! The other one. Yeah, that one. You know you want to share. =)

Saturday Scramble

This was my morning scramble. Yum!

This is a new weekly post I'm going to start where I'll list my favorite blogs/articles for the week. I usually retweet them throughout the week, but this will make all those awesome posts so much easier to find. Enjoy!

Bring Out Your Dead -Merry Farmer An interesting look at the Black Death
Comfort Food: Chili - Dana Britt Nom nom
Firefly Friday - Angela Quarles This is a neat new thing where Angela uses one of my favorite TV shows to illustrate writing tips.
Amazon Takes On Publishers
A Healthy Alternative to Drugs: Burnt Toast (This was from last week, but it's really interesting.)

So there ya go! My favorite reads this week.

And here are some other neat things that happened this week:
-John Locke followed me on Twitter (And it wasn't an auto-follow, because I wasn't following him. Cool, huh?)
-Vampire Assassin (which is free) was downloaded 10190 times on Amazon.
-Jane (Vampire Assassin Books 2-4) sold 147 copies in it's first week and a half.

Going Viral and Other Updates

As I'm sure most of you know, Vampire Assassin is now absolutely free on all formats, including the Kindle. It went free on Wednesday and since then it has exploded! 7000 downloads as of today, when before Wednesday there was only 1, and it's sitting at #40 on the free list. Maybe it's not the definition of viral, but it's huge for me. I want to thank each and every one of you who may have downloaded it. And if you haven't, what are you waiting for??

In honor of the first book in the series going free, I bundled books 2-4 into one, aptly titled Jane (Vampire Assassin Series, Books 2-4). Let my creativity astound you! The bundle is available for just about half the price of buying each book separately. As of today, it is #68 in contemporary fantasy and #3,543 overall. New Blood (Jane #2) is #17 in fantasy anthologies and #8,055 overall. None of my books have ever been out of the 100,000s, so this is absolutely amazing. It's been a very great week for me (I also got a bunny!), and it's all thanks to you, my readers (well, except for the bunny). If I could hug you each individually, I totally would!

Meet Miss Betty, a 1.5-yr-old Mini Lionhead

Now for an update on my other series, Blood of the Dragon. I am currently editing Winds from the North, which is the sequel to Blood of the Dragon. It heads to the real editor (hi Anne!) at the end of this month. My best friend Katie is absolutely wonderful and she is working on a cover for it. She has amazing talent, so I can't wait to show you guys what she's come up with.

And last but not least, my blog is now available on the Kindle. Sadly, there is a subscription fee, but it's only $0.99. All posts will be available for free here, always, but if you like the convenience of reading on the Kindle, you can check out the 14-day free trial with no commitment. 

Last last but definitely not least, for all you writers out there, I am starting up a weekly guest/interview post. If you're interested, shoot me an email and we can discuss details.

Again, thank you to everyone for your support. Self-publishing has truly been the most wonderful experience and I plan to continue for many years to come.

What Is a Writer?

There's a reason I'm a writer and not an artist.